I’m better than this. (An self-conceited introspection)

2am and It’s happening again.

I lay awake with a sense of dread. An uncertainty. A feeling that something bad is going to happen.

The only thing really stopping any suicidal tendencies, is the arrogant thought of what damage it  would do to my reputation. 

I’m generally viewed as someone who is strong. I motivate others. I push people to believe in themselves. How ironic it is that after so many years, I’ve succumb to the very same chasm that I once prevented others from falling into. Few friends know of my mental health condition, fewer still know the extent of how badly it effects me.

I can’t ask for the type of help that I truly need, because in all sincerity, I can’t face the shame of needing any help. 

Want Vs Need

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I loved using this as a topic of discussion whilst teaching E.S.L in South East Asia. It was insightful listening to what students believed the differentials were between essential requirements for survival and items in life that were just frivolous.

Posing the same line of questions to a friend today, I found his responses to my fixed hypotheticals equally as insightful. The definition of the words ‘want‘ and ‘need‘ shouldn’t really be so widely open to interpretation. It certainly exposed the huge gap that exists in Eastern and Western lifestyle philosophies.

…and now for something completely different

Untenable. That is the only word that I think summarises my current position.

I used to joke upon flying back to the U.K every year, that it was my ‘Welcome homeless tour‘. (Which technically, it was.)  I don’t have an actual home.  My fractious family, which I have blogged about in the past, aren’t really people that I can rely on putting me up for any sustainable length of time.

I’ve been staying at a friends family home since early February, which has been helpful. In fact, other than a few hiccups with the matriarchal host, things have been great. Despite having offers, there aren’t many friends that I’d feel comfortable inconveniencing for such a length of time.

However, recently, I’ve felt that there have been several subtile digs made at my expense. Ones that I’ve been unable to look past.  Remarks about the house requiring a ‘deep clean’, how quickly food is vanishing and daily comments about how certain items need replacing, ‘again’. Although these comments may not have been spoken at me directly, (rather said out aloud into the ether, within my vicinity.) Sensitive soul that I am, I took them personally.

Regrettably, I’m not in a financial position to help out to any great extent, so its damaged my pride knowing that I’m thought of as being such a burden.

Then there’s the change in atmosphere. One word answers when attempting conversations, steely side glances of apparent  intrusion when my friends mother thinks that I’m not watching her, it all places me in a spot where I no longer feel welcome. My friend tries his best to appease both of us, but it’s not fair on him. Something needs to change…So that’s what I’ve decided is going to happen.

When there are no options for alternate accommodation, the only choice is no accommodation at all. Until something better comes along,  I will be calling the streets of London my home from Wednesday of next week.

This should be interesting.

We are not punished FOR our anger, we are punished BY our anger.

He can be a proper idiot at times, but I keep forgetting that he’s an old idiot.

I don’t really take his senility into account during our rows. Combined with my tendency to be overly temperamental at times, some of my reactions whilst communicating with my Dad leave me  abruptly hanging up the phone or angrily storming away from him.

When my mum was deep into her dementia spiral, I altered my expectations of behaviour and responses from her. I took her condition into full account. With my dad however, because he has no real mental incapacity (so to speak) I react to some of his foolishness in the same way that I would if the average man on the street spoke to me like that. … and I feel so guilty because of it.

 

One love

I have learned so much about people over the past 5 years. 

The old adage of ‘we have more in common than we have differences’, is much truer than I ever would have believed since witnessing what I have done in China and Indonesia.

The same insecurities, vanity, love and intolerance that can be found in the UK, are things that  are ever present everywhere else around the world.

In pocket towns, tucked away in rural sectors, and sprawling cities alike. It all shows out in a minutiae of different fashions and are truly fascinating to watch being acted in everyday lives of folk.